Oh say can you see… yeah—we’re rubbing our eyes too! Hot damn!
Well, there’s nothing like a hot babe and some all-American hardcore to put a spring in your step and a big bulge in your pants, right?
But since we also want to keep your wallet bulging too, we’ve cooked up a little 4th of July porn BBQ here to score you some sticky-sweet savings to some of the biggest brands in porn. For instance, this discount gets you Reality Kings for under 10 bucks!
If you like that, we got plenty more to spare, like 66% off Team Skeet!
And because we also believe in being practical, we’ve compiled your savings in the form of a few tips to make your 4th of July BBQ a screaming, (possibly even squirting) success…
1) First thing’s first: get the yard work done a few days in advance. No one wants to get bit up or wade through waist-high grass on their way to the grill. If you need help, don’t be afraid to ask others to come over and…break a sweat with you…
2) Invite the neighbors! Invite your friends! Make it a BYOB event if you must, but BBQs are a great way to mix up your social life without the pressure of a dinner party. Unless you live next door to Ted Bundy, the more the merrier.
Besides that: generosity is a cardinal virtue of our great American republic…
3) If you’re gonna hang by the pool, slather on that SPF. Sure, you might claim to have “Mediterranean skin” or be otherwise impervious to sunburn, but guess what: skin cancer can happen to anyone no matter what color your skin is. We love a zinc oxide of 60 SPF or higher.
4) Hydrate—and not just with booze!
Also, remember to eat WITH the booze. No one wants you to get sloppy…and beer-dick is sure to rain out your private fireworks show later…and no one wants that! That said, we don’t think anyone can find fault with a discount that gets you inside Brazzers for just 9.99!
5) It’s always better to have leftovers than to run out. Stock up on everyone’s favorite munchies — variety is key!
If you’re really concerned about ending up with too many leftovers, consider donating some to a local food pantry. Besides, nothing ‘family size’ should ever go to waste… especially when our discount takes $15.00 off Family Strokes too!
6) ALWAYS secure your pets ahead of fireworks! AND be sure to respect the fact that fireworks and sparkly explosions of any kind can trigger PTSD in some military veterans. If this applies to anyone close to your festivities, please be considerate—and thank them for their service while you’re at it.
If fireworks aren’t your thing, no sweat. You can still have some good, clean– and possibly really loud fun when you take $5.00 off Cum Louder and score all 25+ sites!
7) PLEASE, please practice appropriate fire safety and common sense if you’re going to do a little amateur firework show or have a bonfire! Be mindful of local laws, and error on the side of caution—you don’t want to lose an eye, fingers, or end up in the ER.
8) Also…we’re just gonna leave this here: please restrict the use of your orifices to actual sex toys, fingers, and penises only.
You figure most ER’s are going to be busy enough dealing with morons and their moronic kids’ mishaps, so you don’t want to be that guy or gal coming in on the 4th of July with a summer squash lodged ‘up there’ *ahem.* Always keep your festivities in bed safe and consensual too!
9 Don’t spoil the mood—it’s only natural that people are looking to have fun and maybe go a little wild. And if you have family coming in, it’s only natural that someone will disagree with someone else. Be prepared to practice dick-plomacy…er, diplomacy to diffuse any tensions.
10 Lastly: DO NOT drink and drive! We always say this, because it’s always worth repeating. Arriving alive is your patriotic duty to your country and family. Call that drunk friend a Lyft, Uber/Fake Taxi, and/or let them crash on the couch–or safely on top of your penis if they are that kind of “friend.” Ok? Cool!
That’s all for now, folks! Porn Discounts wishes you all a happy 4th of July – and God Breast the USA!
